A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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