I hate your face
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
