I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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