My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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