she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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