i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
