Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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