I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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