OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize