i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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