So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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