the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize