So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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