You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
