i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
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