when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
