Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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