eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
