my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
