don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
