ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
