I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
