i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
