i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
