just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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