Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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