dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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