I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
