I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
