Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Sorry my hands just texted you
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
