Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
