I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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