he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
