Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
