My hand turned me down
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
