I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
