and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
