God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
