OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
