My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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