had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I touched a dick in church today
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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