If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize