Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize