My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
