I wish my penis had an off switch
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
