I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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