The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
