he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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