what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
this just has baby written all over it
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
