i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize