The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
