No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
