Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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