ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Where is the hickey?
I have demons in me.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
