He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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