new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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