I'm sorry my penis didn't work
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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