the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
