he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
