im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
