Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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