i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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