Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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