Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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