Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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