I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
