He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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